Throughout my life, I’ve faced some complicated social situations that have defied simple answers. I’ve learned the hard way that when these challenges come along, the quickest way through them is to allow them to be lessons, not punishments. This takes me to my knees sooner rather than later. Why did it take me this long to understand? Especially when God’s promised rewards are so great and repeated so often in scripture.

We all know that Christianity and other religions counsel us to be charitable and forgiving, and I won’t argue with that. But sometimes that isn’t the whole story. You can forgive someone who repeatedly wounds your feelings, or worse, but then you have to decide how to relate to them in the future. Do we just lie down and let the hurtful behavior continue? Do we let that person hurt your family and friends? Does a relationship bring out the worst in ourselves, and what do we do about that? I propose that there aren’t easy answers nor rules to follow here.

In my church, we are given the gift of the Holy Ghost when we’re baptized so that we can receive personal, divine guidance for situations that are too complicated for simple rules. A gospel teacher once said, “We have only 10 Commandments for a reason – the rest of the time, we need God’s guidance coupled with our own efforts.”

In the 1990s, I was on the HOA Board of the condominium building where I lived, and we faced some sticky problems relating to each other and the owners at large. Another board member said something I’ve never forgotten:  “A relationship is a lot like being inside a large circle of rope on the ground; sometimes problems can’t be solved, so you just need to step out of the circle – just STEP OUT.” Wow, that seemed harsh at first, especially to someone like myself who can overdo the “mothering the whole world” mentality. But we can’t take care of everyone, we can’t make every relationship work (“it takes two to tango”), and we don’t have unlimited emotional and physical energy to invest without robbing other areas of our lives where we can be effective. Coupled with divine confirmation, I have actually found this to be both liberating and a quicker path to reconnection, should that be possible.

None of this should discount the very real times when we need to stick it out in a long-term relationship with serious challenges: a family member with an addiction, an ongoing health problem, or a rebellious child – to name just a few. Sorting out whether a situation calls for us to stay or to go is tricky and shouldn’t be undertaken lightly. As Dr. Phil repeatedly advises, in a marriage with children, you have to earn your way out: prayer, counseling, legal advice, more prayer, etc.

I like the classic book, The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner that goes into far greater detail on gracefully stepping away or drawing closer. Don’t we ultimately want to dance through life – riding rhythms of energy, creativity, love and service – and “mount up with wings as eagles” (Isaiah 40:31). A final remembered quote: We are constantly deciding whether to love or pass unswervingly by.

The world doesn’t acknowledge God much anymore, especially not in a positive way – how we miss out!  From Proverbs 3:5-6, 11-12:

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways, acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. . .
My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction:
For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

Getting spiritual answers is like finding lily of the valley blooms in my grandmother’s garden as a child. They were hiding under the greenery and I had to push it aside to find them, a lot like pushing aside our daily busyness to find God. More and more, I find it’s worth the trouble to pray, then wait for inspiration.

Lily of the Valley
Courtesy Pixabay.com